Confession Time
I am a horrible person.
There. I said it.
When it comes to the majority of thoughts that run through this cranium of mine, most of them tend to be of a more... horrific sense.
For instance. I find enjoyment in the pain and frustration of others. Accidentally crush my friend's hand in a car door? I might feel bad for a second, but then I'll start laughing at the absurdity of it. Read a webcomic that hosts a hilariously dark (and random) necromancer who rips a nose off of a giant raccoon and says "Got your nose!"? Beyond funny. (see www.lfgcomic.com)
I also tend to find darker television shows more interesting and entertaining. I love "Criminal Minds" because it delves into the subconsious of a killer and explores the different reasonings behind many of the criminals different crimes. "Supernatural" is another great show. Coming at it from a Christian perspective I know that many of the ideas about angels and demons and God tend to be wrong, but it's extremely interesting to watch the Winchester brothers deal with dangers that go beyond normal human understanding.
"But why does that make you a horrible person?" you may ask. And that's a valid question. But if you were privy to all that goes on within my head you might be a bit scared (and possibly go insane from the incontinuity up there). Most of the time I struggle with dark thoughts. I often find myself wishing that certain people would dissapear and start plotting their demise. Of course I never act upon these thoughts but if I ever let myself go, it would be a dark day.
The only thing that keeps me from going into this dark place is my friends and family. There was a time where I did feel abandoned by my friends and family and sunk into a deep depression. I did make it out of the depression, but vowed that I would never let myself get that low again. Which is why I am extremely careful about letting myself think for too long. Because if I dwell on my thoughts too long, I might never escape.
There. I said it.
When it comes to the majority of thoughts that run through this cranium of mine, most of them tend to be of a more... horrific sense.
For instance. I find enjoyment in the pain and frustration of others. Accidentally crush my friend's hand in a car door? I might feel bad for a second, but then I'll start laughing at the absurdity of it. Read a webcomic that hosts a hilariously dark (and random) necromancer who rips a nose off of a giant raccoon and says "Got your nose!"? Beyond funny. (see www.lfgcomic.com)
I also tend to find darker television shows more interesting and entertaining. I love "Criminal Minds" because it delves into the subconsious of a killer and explores the different reasonings behind many of the criminals different crimes. "Supernatural" is another great show. Coming at it from a Christian perspective I know that many of the ideas about angels and demons and God tend to be wrong, but it's extremely interesting to watch the Winchester brothers deal with dangers that go beyond normal human understanding.
"But why does that make you a horrible person?" you may ask. And that's a valid question. But if you were privy to all that goes on within my head you might be a bit scared (and possibly go insane from the incontinuity up there). Most of the time I struggle with dark thoughts. I often find myself wishing that certain people would dissapear and start plotting their demise. Of course I never act upon these thoughts but if I ever let myself go, it would be a dark day.
The only thing that keeps me from going into this dark place is my friends and family. There was a time where I did feel abandoned by my friends and family and sunk into a deep depression. I did make it out of the depression, but vowed that I would never let myself get that low again. Which is why I am extremely careful about letting myself think for too long. Because if I dwell on my thoughts too long, I might never escape.
I know today's post was short, but it was something that I needed to say. Take as you will.
ReplyDeleteThe way your brain works: the more you think a thought, the easier it is to think it because a pathway has been created in the brain tissue. And the adverse is true. You probably knew that though. I used to have a very bitter and angry mindset because of the situation I lived in (a lot of strife in my home) and the music/television/books I fed myself daily. I dreamed about monsters and vampires and always being chased. I laid in bed, sick with depression, always thinking disturbing thoughts (which manifested in my morbid art). I plotted revenge against my parents and wrote dark poetry. I also used to be chased by a serious feeling of guilt all the time, like an anxiety attack. But I had to realize that my guilt was not necessary. I had to convince myself every time that there was no real reason to feel guilty and there were no real benefits to feeling that way. I think that was also by the help of the Holy Spirit. It took months of coaxing myself out of it every time it would happen until I finally stopped being overrun by it. You have control over your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't mean you're a horrible person. It just means you've chosen to think that way and to feed your mind with those things. We're all guilty of subjecting ourselves to entertainment that is less than worthy of our thought-life. It doesn't make us bad people.
The thing is, this "dark side" is not really who you are. It's merely what you think about.
Your identity is in Christ, which means you're perfect. You're whole and pure. Realize that Christ is the one who makes you Holy, not you or your actions, or even your thoughts. Yes, you can change your thought-life, which in turn affects your actions, but that doesn't define you: Christ defines you. He created you (firstly) and His death is what saved you, not your own actions. If we had a way of getting salvation by our own actions, we wouldn't have needed Him. Who you are is Christ. This darkness is just in your mind... It's not reality.